Your Success is on the Other Side of Your Fear

Imagine being stuck in a small, hidden tunnel for several days by yourself.  Everything is pitch black and you only have a flickering flashlight in your hand.  Your throbbing heartbeat is the only sound you hear. The situation itself gives you chills and discomfort. In the midst of this situation, along with the fear you feel, there’s one thing you are aware of.  You know you must make a decision.  You have to choice to make.  You must decide your future no matter how hard it is.  It’s either you put aside your fear and crawl your way out of this tunnel or you give in to your fear and stay stuck.

Understand, this situation describes many of our lives as women.  This circumstance may describe your life.  Although we may look like we have it all together on the outside, many of us are living in a tunnel of fear and do not know how to get out.  Fear is a hindering force that may be holding you back from your next level.  Fear keeps you from your dreams and aspirations. Fear paralyzes you. Maybe you are suffering from guilt, confusion, depression, or anger.  Maybe you are afraid of starting the next chapter of your life because of fear of what may lie ahead.  Maybe you are looking at your future and are scared and fearful to move forth because you don’t know which road to take; you don’t know which doors to close or which doors to open.

Are you a woman who limits your potential, thinking you are not good enough?  Today, be encouraged!  Today, know you are better than good.  You are great!  Know your time is now.  It is time to unveil you inner diva and be the best version of yourself.  Do not let fear get in your way.  Decide today to take the first step in achieving what you desire in life.  Decide today to put fear aside and move forth by faith.

In life, through the many challenges you must face, this one fact is true.  You, alone, are left to decide which path to choose to overcome your obstacles and setbacks. While the path may be uncertain, through it all, remember to keep the right attitude and continue to move forward.  As you experience and live out this journey called life, leave guilt and fear behind. You’re only option is to keep moving forward towards your goals.  Do not focus on the number of times you fail.  If you fail a thousand times, get back up and try again another thousand times.  As Thomas Edison once said, “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” Know you are much closer to your success than you think.  You are only a few steps away from being free and releasing yourself from the tunnel of fear.

Giving up is a common mistake many women make.  Know that the fact that you are still alive makes you a candidate for overcoming your obstacles and overcoming your fears.  It’s not too late!  Do not be overwhelmed by the criticism of others or by the length of time it takes for you to move ahead.  You cannot afford to stop in the middle of your journey.  Use what others say “you can’t” achieve as a driving force to accomplish your goals and overcome your fears.  Let your past pain or maybe even your current pain push you to the greatest version of yourself. 

Know that, in the end, it will all be worth it. This shallow tunnel is only a fraction of your life’s story.  The journey you’ve had is the trophy you can show the world when you overcome and succeed.  Today, the decision is yours.  You can decide to use your flickering light to guide you as you move forth and overcome, or you can use the same light to stay stuck in fear.  Take the first step today and put fear aside. Your success is waiting on you.

Reflections:

Take time and reflect.  What is one of your biggest fears that you know you must overcome that is keeping you from taking the next step on your journey?

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What’s one step you could take immediately to begin to address this fear?

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The Art of Forgiveness Series (Part IV)

How do you move from the anger towards an individual to forgiveness?  Remember, this is about you being made whole, not about absolving the other person’s actions.  Following the steps listed below will be helpful to you in moving towards forgiveness.

·         Understanding your own shortcomings helps in forgiving others.  When you are no longer in denial about the areas in your life where you have come short and need forgiveness from others, it helps you to empathize with others who have failed you and you’re more likely to forgive them.

·         Empathy – Once you are able to understand how or why another person acted towards you in the manner that they did, it gives you insight into the other person’s world.  It is only then that you begin to realize that although their actions hurt you, they were not about you, but rather the other person’s inability to process their own pain.  Hurt people hurt others.

Affirmations (Repeat these in the mirror every day until you begin to believe them)

Forgiving Others What was done to me was not my fault.  I did not deserve it.  I am a good person worthy of love.

Forgiving Yourself I am not my mistakes.  I have learned and grown from them and am worthy of unconditional love.

Exercise: Answer the following questions about the person that you need to show forgiveness towards.

Who do you need to forgive?

What happened?

How is the pain of that situation still affecting you today?

What steps can you begin to take towards forgiveness? ·           ·           ·           ·

In what ways would your life improve if you were to forgive this person? ·           ·           ·           ·

Look at those areas in your life where you know you overreact or take things to the extreme.  Perhaps someone does something to you or says something to you, and you feel your blood start to boil.  Maybe you find yourself in a situation that feels all too familiar and it takes you back to that area of your life that is incomplete.  Whatever the situation, before you act, ask yourself this.  In all honesty, can you say that you are totally present in the moment or are you blending unresolved feelings from your past with this current situation?  If so, take some time before you react until you can be sure that you are only dealing with your present situation.  I know that’s easier said than done, but once you have become aware of what is unfinished in your life, you owe it to yourself and those in your life to finish those things from your past so that you ca be fully present to experience all that your life has to offer today.

Forgiveness puts you in the position to overcome your past, which can be a daunting responsibility because it now means that you are responsible for your life and choices.  However, with that responsibility also comes the freedom to make more positive choices and to design your life the way you truly desire.

The Art of Forgivness Series (Part III)

Getting to the Root of the Matter

One of the biggest keys in learning to forgive and moving on is to get to the heart of what happened so that you can understand and learn from it.  Now I know you are probably saying, “I will never understand why they did what they did to me”, “I have nothing to learn from the pain they caused me” or “You just don’t know what I’ve done.”

If you are not aware of what ails you, how can you address it?  It’s like going to the doctor’s office and not being able to tell him specifically what is bothering you. “I’m just not feeling well” makes it very difficult for the doctor to know how to treat you or he could treat the wrong ailment, based on the symptoms you tell him.  How often we do that in life.  We address the symptoms instead of the root of the ailment itself.  We will remove ourselves from a situation and feel that all is well.  However, life will continually allow situations to come forward in your life that offer you the opportunity to grow and be made whole.  However, if you are not even aware that there is a need for closure, you will not see them as opportunities to learn and grow, but rather as obstacles to go around and avoid.  And so the cycle will continue.

Listed below are some examples of how un-forgiveness displays itself.

·         Hypersensitivity to Criticism

If someone constantly told you that you were not good enough and would never amount to much, you will convince yourself that your supervisor is out to get you because he offers constructive criticism about your work, but you take everything as a personal attack against you because you’ve still have unfinished business with those who made you feel inadequate in the past.

·         Unrealistic Expectations of Others

Perhaps you never felt loved or understood or appreciated by those in your past.  Now you are surrounded by those who love you and support you, but to you, it is never enough.  You will convince yourself that your husband never has any time for you, your children don’t appreciate you, and your friends just don’t understand you.

·         Explosive Anger

Let’s say you were bullied as a child or were picked on by your peers.  They might not have heard you or considered your feelings.  It left you feeling like no one ever listened to you or cared about how you felt.  Now, as an adult, you’ve become quite the bully yourself.  You are determined no one is ever going to treat you that way again.  You might have outbursts when you don’t feel as if others are hearing you, and you’ve never made the connection to how you were treated in the past.

·         Self-Hatred

When you haven’t reconciled your past in your mind and heart, you will continue to carry the guilt around.  You will gravitate towards situations that are unhealthy just like the one from your past because you don’t feel that you deserve better.

·         Repeating the Cycle

If you were abused as a child by those who were supposed to protect you, and you never dealt with your feelings about what happened to you, and you still carry that anger towards your abusers around with you, you will convince yourself that your own child really is that bad and deserves the degree of discipline that you give him which really isn’t so, but it’s all that you understand because you haven’t processed your feelings.  You will convince yourself that you are the only parent that has a child that misbehaves and will treat that child with the same harsh treatment that was given to you because you don’t have a clear understanding of what went on.

·         Guilt

Let’s say a woman had a baby as a teenager and was made to feel guilty about it by others.  Because she accepted and carried the guilt that others put on her, she’s never been able to forgive herself.  Now as her own daughter is getting older, she notices she is heading down the same path as she is, but she can’t bring herself to talk about it with her daughter because it brings up all of her own feelings of guilt, and instead she condemns her daughter the same way others condemned her when she was a teenager.

The Art of Forgiveness Series (Part II)

We will address two areas where non-forgiveness can loom like a dark cloud over your life and keep you stuck in “what happened” instead of freely facing your future.  The first area is forgiving others, and the second area is forgiving yourself.

Forgiving Others

When you haven’t allowed yourself to heal from the things of your past, it means you are still holding on to non-forgiveness.  I think most would agree that forgiveness would be a healthier solution than carrying around a grudge, yet some continue to hold grudges for years against others who have hurt us.  So, what stops you from letting go?  Let’s take a look at some of the things that might keep you from releasing things from your past that do not serve to bring peace in your life:

Fear – The inability to forgive is based in fear.  When someone or something has affected you deeply, you become afraid of opening yourself up and possibly being hurt again, so you continue to hold on to the anger as a means of protecting yourself from more pain.

Blame – Blame makes the situation about the other person.  Forgiveness puts the focus back on you so that you can make sure that you are okay.  In our society, it seems to be a natural reaction to cast blame.  There is always the victim and the villain.  When someone harms you in any way, whether it is physically or emotionally, we are quick to point the finger at the perpetrator and demand they be punished.  When they are, we feel that the matter has been settled.  But what about the victim?  Who makes sure they are okay?

The Need to be Right – Yes, you probably have a right to be upset with the one who hurt you, but you also have a choice.  You can either be right or you can be free.  By letting go, this in no way negates what happened to you, nor does it absolve the person’s actions against you, but again, blame keeps you tied to a situation.

Denial – I know that sometimes it seems easier to just live with dysfunction than to take the steps to correct it.  We develop mechanism to make these areas in our lives more bearable so that they don’t hurt as bad.  And I know it’s scary to tread in unchartered territory.  And it’s not something that will be done overnight.  But, at least once you acknowledge the pain, you can begin to take baby steps to begin to correct it.

Forgiving Yourself

Sometimes even more difficult than forgiving others is being able to forgive yourself.  We’ve all no doubt, done one thing or another that we would just as soon forget about.  Some of you may even wish you had the opportunity to do it all over again.  Surely, you would make different choices.  Some might still shudder at the very memory of the thing you wish to forget.  So how do you begin to forgive yourself?

Release the guilt – Don’t allow guilt/condemnation to define who you are – understand that who you are is not determined by what has happened to you, but how you handle and respond to what has happened.  That’s the true testament of your character.  If you have made strides towards changing whatever behavior has made you feel guilty in the past, understand that’s all you can do.  You cannot redo the past.

Make restitution – Is there something you can do to make restitution?  If so, take steps towards doing it.  If not, you must move on.

Learn the Lessons – Seek what lessons you can learn from the experience – sometimes you go through experiences that in hindsight you wish you had never allowed to take place, but if you can let go of the anger and guilt, you might find that those very experiences will be a gift you can share with and help others.

The Art of Forgiveness Series (Part I)

At some point or another, every one of us has had to forgive someone for something they have done to us.  We practice this skill almost on a daily basis without even realizing it.  When your spouse forgets to save you enough milk for cereal in the morning, you get upset for a moment, but you discuss it and then you move on, right?  When another driver cuts you off in traffic, you yell and then you move on.  When a co-worker is late handing in their portion of a report, which causes you to be late also, you’ll be upset about it for a few days, but eventually you’ll discuss what went wrong so that it does not happen again and then you move on.  So most of us already know how to forgive others in regards to the regular day to day issues that life throws our way.  But what about when our feelings and emotions are at stake?  Somehow, when our emotions become involved, suddenly all of the rules of the game change.  Suddenly, it’s not so easy for us to just talk about it, let it go and move on.  Why is that?  I believe a lot of it has to do with fear, but we will discuss this in a little more detail further on.

 

Have you ever noticed how, for some people, forgiving seems to come easy and for others, it seems to be a struggle?  Have you ever looked at someone that you knew had gone through the unthinkable, yet they didn’t seems to show the scars of that trauma?  Then you look at others, who when the cashier at the local supermarket is rude to them, they are still holding a grudge the next week when they go back to the supermarket and see the same cashier, as if the cashier has a personal vendetta against them.  Are some people just born with a natural ability to forgive or have they just mastered the secret to living a peaceful life, which is learning to let things go.

 

So how do you begin to master the art of forgiving?  One of the first things you need to do, as with learning any new skill, is to recognize the significance of acquiring the skill.  You must understand the value that learning the skill of forgiveness will add to your life.  In order to do that, you must first look at how not forgiving is devaluing the quality of your life.

 

Ask yourself:

What are you gaining by holding onto the pain of your past (ie: you get to manipulate others through their guilt over what happened)?  (Fill in your own answers.)

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What is it costing you by holding onto the pain of your past (your health, because of stress)?  (Fill in your own answers.)

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It is very important for you to understand how crucial it is to process your feelings, because it is the very thing that will allow you the ability to forgive.  It is a whole lot more complex than simply saying “My mother was mean to me, so I don’t deal with her anymore, and I’m fine with that” or “My father left when I was young and I haven’t seen him in years, but I’m better off without him.”  You must allow the full process to run its course, which requires you to get in touch with some painful feelings that you would just as soon forget, or you will find yourself still dealing with the remnants of your past in your present relationships.  The decisions you make and the responses you have today will be connected to what has happened in your past if you don’t allow true forgiveness to take place.

 

Even after identifying the importance of forgiveness in your life, understand that it is going to be a learning process, so don’t beat yourself up when you don’t master it right away.  Just as when you are acquiring a new skill or trade, it will be a little uncomfortable when you first start to do it.  The same will apply in learning forgiveness because it will be out of the normal realm of thinking.  Most of us react to situations in the manner that society says is normal, yet we wonder why the peace we are seeking continually eludes us.  Yes, it is normal to be angry and upset when someone disappoints you, lies to you, betrays you, or intentionally harms you.  But it becomes detrimental to your well-being when you hold onto that anger long after it is healthy.  You should allow yourself to feel the anger because it is normal.  Anger is not a sin.  It is a normal emotion.  It’s what you do with that anger that becomes a sin.  Then you should process it by:

 

Identifying where the anger is coming from.

 

Decide if it’s worth it to try to salvage the relationship.  If so, communicate where your anger is coming from with the other person.

 

If it is not possible to express your anger with the other person, make a commitment to let it go by journaling all of your feelings down and then promising yourself not to speak of it again, unless it is with a trained professional.

 

Passion vs. Comfort

Passion vs Comfort & Stability – is one better, more honest or healthier than the other?

I had two older cousins who were both great singers.  One of them, when he opened his mouth, it was masterful.  If he was on The Voice today, he would hear words like pure artistry, tone and pitch perfect.  His brother, while perhaps not as masterful from a critic’s point of view, sang with such unrestrained passion, you couldn’t help but be moved.  Is one way better than the other?  I guess it’s more a matter of preference when it comes to music, but what about other areas of our lives?

Careers

I know an attorney who owned and ran a successful law practice for many years.  Surprisingly, when his son was old enough to join the firm, he decided to retire.  He said he didn’t really enjoy it, but he was very good at it.  He turned the firm over to his son and brought a couple of tree farms and grows trees up to this day.  He occasionally comes to help out his son on an interesting case, because he’s good at it, but he is quite content to manage his tree farms.  I remember when I first learned of his decision to give up his firm my first thought was “who does that?”  Who gives up a law practice to grow trees?  Until I saw the years melt away from his face and how content he looked.  Perhaps he was passionate about the law early on in his career, but someone along the way it stopped being fulfilling.  Maybe it was expectations from others, money, peer pressure that made him pursue his career path in the first place.  

One of my sons is very passionate about his craft/artistry (he’s a writer & performer).  I have to admire his passion and drive as he pursues his passion.  However, as a mother, I want him to settle down and be comfortable and stable in a good job/career.  But he seems quite comfortable pursuing his passion.  As parents, we are supposed to guide our children’s paths, offer suggestions based on our knowledge and experience, and give them all the tools necessary for them to be successful.  But where do we draw the line as far as carving out their lives for them?  Do we force them down a path only to have them discontented later on in their lives?

Relationships

Have you ever seen the Haagen Daas commercial for their Gelato ice cream?  It’s the one where the Italian couple are yelling at each other one minute and making up the next and then back to fighting.  I get such a kick out of this commercial whenever it comes on (link here) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZUMYU-Ghb0.  I think the reason I like this commercial so much is that it is so opposite from who I am at the core.  Oh, my inner alter-ego is just like the woman in the commercial.  But in reality, I’m too much of a thinker, which would explain why I’ve been pondering this thought for a while. 

I’ve been observing both types of relationships (be it romantic, friendships or familial) for some time.  On the one hand, in the very passionate relationship, there is never a dull moment.  There is never any questions as to what they are feeling when they are feeling it.  Be it happiness, anger, disappointment, love.  They feel and express everything at 10. It is very expressive, vocal and demonstrative.  When they are loving and happy, it is so expressive that it seems impossible for them to not be loving and happy.  Then when the emotion flips and they are upset, it can get downright nasty and ugly, with the things that are said in the heat of the moment. From the outside looking in, it can look scary.  Then when they make up, it’s as if none of the ugliness ever happened. 

Then there is the comfortable relationship.  They are pretty consistent in their dealings with one another.  They seem consistent in their emotions.  There are no major ebbs and flows with them.  They seem to go along without too many hiccups or upset.  When they do argue, it’s more of a disagreement or discussion.  Most times, one or the other will concede to keep the peace or to reach a compromise.

So while one type of relationship can seem more stable and one can seem over the top at times from the outside looking in, which is more honest?

Thoughts for the Day

Is the passionate person more courageous; more honest or just more emotional?

Is the person that desires comfort over passion fearful or not as courageous?

Do you think it is possible for the two different mindsets (passion vs. comfort) to form successful partnerships and find balance?

Truth Be Told

“Honesty is always the best policy”.  At least that’s what they say.  I’m sure you’ve heard the saying too.  But I wonder if we’ve ever questioned the depth of that statement.  If we were to take that statement literally, how many relationships/friendships/partnerships, etc. do you think would survive?   We receive so many contradictory messages when it comes to how we should conduct ourselves in our dealings with others.  You can look at some of the popular sayings below and see the contradictions.
 “If you’re not ready to know the answer, don’t ask the question.”
“What you don’t know won’t hurt you.”
“Don’t go looking for what you’re not ready to find.”
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Ok, I don’t know about you, but sometimes what I honestly need to say is not always nice.  What’s a girl to do?  I think it’s clear to see how so many of us learn to “stuff” our feelings if we were taught these conflicting messages.
Can you imagine that you’re crying on your best friend’s shoulder after a break-up with a guy you thought was the “one”.  You look up at her with tear-stained eyes and ask “why did he do this to me?”  Now, picture her looking you dead in the eye and with all sincerity says, “well, sometimes you can be a manipulative and controlling brat and he probably just got tired of it”.  Wait - what did you just say?  Can you imagine your horror?  For how many of us would that be our last conversation with that particular friend (right after we gave them a piece of our mind)?  Why do we ask questions that we really don’t want the answer to?  We just want someone to make us feel better or tell us that we are right.  But without correction, how do we learn and grow?
I believe what is key is to look at our motives in what we say to others.  Honesty should not be an excuse to become self-righteous and trample upon other’s feelings (we all know those that go around hurting other’s feelings, all in the name of “keeping it real”). The motive in our honesty with those in our lives should be to correct and most importantly to restore us to a place of wholeness.