The Art of Forgiveness Series (Part I)

At some point or another, every one of us has had to forgive someone for something they have done to us.  We practice this skill almost on a daily basis without even realizing it.  When your spouse forgets to save you enough milk for cereal in the morning, you get upset for a moment, but you discuss it and then you move on, right?  When another driver cuts you off in traffic, you yell and then you move on.  When a co-worker is late handing in their portion of a report, which causes you to be late also, you’ll be upset about it for a few days, but eventually you’ll discuss what went wrong so that it does not happen again and then you move on.  So most of us already know how to forgive others in regards to the regular day to day issues that life throws our way.  But what about when our feelings and emotions are at stake?  Somehow, when our emotions become involved, suddenly all of the rules of the game change.  Suddenly, it’s not so easy for us to just talk about it, let it go and move on.  Why is that?  I believe a lot of it has to do with fear, but we will discuss this in a little more detail further on.

 

Have you ever noticed how, for some people, forgiving seems to come easy and for others, it seems to be a struggle?  Have you ever looked at someone that you knew had gone through the unthinkable, yet they didn’t seems to show the scars of that trauma?  Then you look at others, who when the cashier at the local supermarket is rude to them, they are still holding a grudge the next week when they go back to the supermarket and see the same cashier, as if the cashier has a personal vendetta against them.  Are some people just born with a natural ability to forgive or have they just mastered the secret to living a peaceful life, which is learning to let things go.

 

So how do you begin to master the art of forgiving?  One of the first things you need to do, as with learning any new skill, is to recognize the significance of acquiring the skill.  You must understand the value that learning the skill of forgiveness will add to your life.  In order to do that, you must first look at how not forgiving is devaluing the quality of your life.

 

Ask yourself:

What are you gaining by holding onto the pain of your past (ie: you get to manipulate others through their guilt over what happened)?  (Fill in your own answers.)

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What is it costing you by holding onto the pain of your past (your health, because of stress)?  (Fill in your own answers.)

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It is very important for you to understand how crucial it is to process your feelings, because it is the very thing that will allow you the ability to forgive.  It is a whole lot more complex than simply saying “My mother was mean to me, so I don’t deal with her anymore, and I’m fine with that” or “My father left when I was young and I haven’t seen him in years, but I’m better off without him.”  You must allow the full process to run its course, which requires you to get in touch with some painful feelings that you would just as soon forget, or you will find yourself still dealing with the remnants of your past in your present relationships.  The decisions you make and the responses you have today will be connected to what has happened in your past if you don’t allow true forgiveness to take place.

 

Even after identifying the importance of forgiveness in your life, understand that it is going to be a learning process, so don’t beat yourself up when you don’t master it right away.  Just as when you are acquiring a new skill or trade, it will be a little uncomfortable when you first start to do it.  The same will apply in learning forgiveness because it will be out of the normal realm of thinking.  Most of us react to situations in the manner that society says is normal, yet we wonder why the peace we are seeking continually eludes us.  Yes, it is normal to be angry and upset when someone disappoints you, lies to you, betrays you, or intentionally harms you.  But it becomes detrimental to your well-being when you hold onto that anger long after it is healthy.  You should allow yourself to feel the anger because it is normal.  Anger is not a sin.  It is a normal emotion.  It’s what you do with that anger that becomes a sin.  Then you should process it by:

 

Identifying where the anger is coming from.

 

Decide if it’s worth it to try to salvage the relationship.  If so, communicate where your anger is coming from with the other person.

 

If it is not possible to express your anger with the other person, make a commitment to let it go by journaling all of your feelings down and then promising yourself not to speak of it again, unless it is with a trained professional.

 

Passion vs. Comfort

Passion vs Comfort & Stability – is one better, more honest or healthier than the other?

I had two older cousins who were both great singers.  One of them, when he opened his mouth, it was masterful.  If he was on The Voice today, he would hear words like pure artistry, tone and pitch perfect.  His brother, while perhaps not as masterful from a critic’s point of view, sang with such unrestrained passion, you couldn’t help but be moved.  Is one way better than the other?  I guess it’s more a matter of preference when it comes to music, but what about other areas of our lives?

Careers

I know an attorney who owned and ran a successful law practice for many years.  Surprisingly, when his son was old enough to join the firm, he decided to retire.  He said he didn’t really enjoy it, but he was very good at it.  He turned the firm over to his son and brought a couple of tree farms and grows trees up to this day.  He occasionally comes to help out his son on an interesting case, because he’s good at it, but he is quite content to manage his tree farms.  I remember when I first learned of his decision to give up his firm my first thought was “who does that?”  Who gives up a law practice to grow trees?  Until I saw the years melt away from his face and how content he looked.  Perhaps he was passionate about the law early on in his career, but someone along the way it stopped being fulfilling.  Maybe it was expectations from others, money, peer pressure that made him pursue his career path in the first place.  

One of my sons is very passionate about his craft/artistry (he’s a writer & performer).  I have to admire his passion and drive as he pursues his passion.  However, as a mother, I want him to settle down and be comfortable and stable in a good job/career.  But he seems quite comfortable pursuing his passion.  As parents, we are supposed to guide our children’s paths, offer suggestions based on our knowledge and experience, and give them all the tools necessary for them to be successful.  But where do we draw the line as far as carving out their lives for them?  Do we force them down a path only to have them discontented later on in their lives?

Relationships

Have you ever seen the Haagen Daas commercial for their Gelato ice cream?  It’s the one where the Italian couple are yelling at each other one minute and making up the next and then back to fighting.  I get such a kick out of this commercial whenever it comes on (link here) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZUMYU-Ghb0.  I think the reason I like this commercial so much is that it is so opposite from who I am at the core.  Oh, my inner alter-ego is just like the woman in the commercial.  But in reality, I’m too much of a thinker, which would explain why I’ve been pondering this thought for a while. 

I’ve been observing both types of relationships (be it romantic, friendships or familial) for some time.  On the one hand, in the very passionate relationship, there is never a dull moment.  There is never any questions as to what they are feeling when they are feeling it.  Be it happiness, anger, disappointment, love.  They feel and express everything at 10. It is very expressive, vocal and demonstrative.  When they are loving and happy, it is so expressive that it seems impossible for them to not be loving and happy.  Then when the emotion flips and they are upset, it can get downright nasty and ugly, with the things that are said in the heat of the moment. From the outside looking in, it can look scary.  Then when they make up, it’s as if none of the ugliness ever happened. 

Then there is the comfortable relationship.  They are pretty consistent in their dealings with one another.  They seem consistent in their emotions.  There are no major ebbs and flows with them.  They seem to go along without too many hiccups or upset.  When they do argue, it’s more of a disagreement or discussion.  Most times, one or the other will concede to keep the peace or to reach a compromise.

So while one type of relationship can seem more stable and one can seem over the top at times from the outside looking in, which is more honest?

Thoughts for the Day

Is the passionate person more courageous; more honest or just more emotional?

Is the person that desires comfort over passion fearful or not as courageous?

Do you think it is possible for the two different mindsets (passion vs. comfort) to form successful partnerships and find balance?