We will address two areas where non-forgiveness can loom like a dark cloud over your life and keep you stuck in “what happened” instead of freely facing your future. The first area is forgiving others, and the second area is forgiving yourself.
Forgiving Others
When you haven’t allowed yourself to heal from the things of your past, it means you are still holding on to non-forgiveness. I think most would agree that forgiveness would be a healthier solution than carrying around a grudge, yet some continue to hold grudges for years against others who have hurt us. So, what stops you from letting go? Let’s take a look at some of the things that might keep you from releasing things from your past that do not serve to bring peace in your life:
Fear – The inability to forgive is based in fear. When someone or something has affected you deeply, you become afraid of opening yourself up and possibly being hurt again, so you continue to hold on to the anger as a means of protecting yourself from more pain.
Blame – Blame makes the situation about the other person. Forgiveness puts the focus back on you so that you can make sure that you are okay. In our society, it seems to be a natural reaction to cast blame. There is always the victim and the villain. When someone harms you in any way, whether it is physically or emotionally, we are quick to point the finger at the perpetrator and demand they be punished. When they are, we feel that the matter has been settled. But what about the victim? Who makes sure they are okay?
The Need to be Right – Yes, you probably have a right to be upset with the one who hurt you, but you also have a choice. You can either be right or you can be free. By letting go, this in no way negates what happened to you, nor does it absolve the person’s actions against you, but again, blame keeps you tied to a situation.
Denial – I know that sometimes it seems easier to just live with dysfunction than to take the steps to correct it. We develop mechanism to make these areas in our lives more bearable so that they don’t hurt as bad. And I know it’s scary to tread in unchartered territory. And it’s not something that will be done overnight. But, at least once you acknowledge the pain, you can begin to take baby steps to begin to correct it.
Forgiving Yourself
Sometimes even more difficult than forgiving others is being able to forgive yourself. We’ve all no doubt, done one thing or another that we would just as soon forget about. Some of you may even wish you had the opportunity to do it all over again. Surely, you would make different choices. Some might still shudder at the very memory of the thing you wish to forget. So how do you begin to forgive yourself?
Release the guilt – Don’t allow guilt/condemnation to define who you are – understand that who you are is not determined by what has happened to you, but how you handle and respond to what has happened. That’s the true testament of your character. If you have made strides towards changing whatever behavior has made you feel guilty in the past, understand that’s all you can do. You cannot redo the past.
Make restitution – Is there something you can do to make restitution? If so, take steps towards doing it. If not, you must move on.
Learn the Lessons – Seek what lessons you can learn from the experience – sometimes you go through experiences that in hindsight you wish you had never allowed to take place, but if you can let go of the anger and guilt, you might find that those very experiences will be a gift you can share with and help others.
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