The Art of Forgiveness Series (Part IV)

How do you move from the anger towards an individual to forgiveness?  Remember, this is about you being made whole, not about absolving the other person’s actions.  Following the steps listed below will be helpful to you in moving towards forgiveness.

·         Understanding your own shortcomings helps in forgiving others.  When you are no longer in denial about the areas in your life where you have come short and need forgiveness from others, it helps you to empathize with others who have failed you and you’re more likely to forgive them.

·         Empathy – Once you are able to understand how or why another person acted towards you in the manner that they did, it gives you insight into the other person’s world.  It is only then that you begin to realize that although their actions hurt you, they were not about you, but rather the other person’s inability to process their own pain.  Hurt people hurt others.

Affirmations (Repeat these in the mirror every day until you begin to believe them)

Forgiving Others What was done to me was not my fault.  I did not deserve it.  I am a good person worthy of love.

Forgiving Yourself I am not my mistakes.  I have learned and grown from them and am worthy of unconditional love.

Exercise: Answer the following questions about the person that you need to show forgiveness towards.

Who do you need to forgive?

What happened?

How is the pain of that situation still affecting you today?

What steps can you begin to take towards forgiveness? ·           ·           ·           ·

In what ways would your life improve if you were to forgive this person? ·           ·           ·           ·

Look at those areas in your life where you know you overreact or take things to the extreme.  Perhaps someone does something to you or says something to you, and you feel your blood start to boil.  Maybe you find yourself in a situation that feels all too familiar and it takes you back to that area of your life that is incomplete.  Whatever the situation, before you act, ask yourself this.  In all honesty, can you say that you are totally present in the moment or are you blending unresolved feelings from your past with this current situation?  If so, take some time before you react until you can be sure that you are only dealing with your present situation.  I know that’s easier said than done, but once you have become aware of what is unfinished in your life, you owe it to yourself and those in your life to finish those things from your past so that you ca be fully present to experience all that your life has to offer today.

Forgiveness puts you in the position to overcome your past, which can be a daunting responsibility because it now means that you are responsible for your life and choices.  However, with that responsibility also comes the freedom to make more positive choices and to design your life the way you truly desire.

The Art of Forgivness Series (Part III)

Getting to the Root of the Matter

One of the biggest keys in learning to forgive and moving on is to get to the heart of what happened so that you can understand and learn from it.  Now I know you are probably saying, “I will never understand why they did what they did to me”, “I have nothing to learn from the pain they caused me” or “You just don’t know what I’ve done.”

If you are not aware of what ails you, how can you address it?  It’s like going to the doctor’s office and not being able to tell him specifically what is bothering you. “I’m just not feeling well” makes it very difficult for the doctor to know how to treat you or he could treat the wrong ailment, based on the symptoms you tell him.  How often we do that in life.  We address the symptoms instead of the root of the ailment itself.  We will remove ourselves from a situation and feel that all is well.  However, life will continually allow situations to come forward in your life that offer you the opportunity to grow and be made whole.  However, if you are not even aware that there is a need for closure, you will not see them as opportunities to learn and grow, but rather as obstacles to go around and avoid.  And so the cycle will continue.

Listed below are some examples of how un-forgiveness displays itself.

·         Hypersensitivity to Criticism

If someone constantly told you that you were not good enough and would never amount to much, you will convince yourself that your supervisor is out to get you because he offers constructive criticism about your work, but you take everything as a personal attack against you because you’ve still have unfinished business with those who made you feel inadequate in the past.

·         Unrealistic Expectations of Others

Perhaps you never felt loved or understood or appreciated by those in your past.  Now you are surrounded by those who love you and support you, but to you, it is never enough.  You will convince yourself that your husband never has any time for you, your children don’t appreciate you, and your friends just don’t understand you.

·         Explosive Anger

Let’s say you were bullied as a child or were picked on by your peers.  They might not have heard you or considered your feelings.  It left you feeling like no one ever listened to you or cared about how you felt.  Now, as an adult, you’ve become quite the bully yourself.  You are determined no one is ever going to treat you that way again.  You might have outbursts when you don’t feel as if others are hearing you, and you’ve never made the connection to how you were treated in the past.

·         Self-Hatred

When you haven’t reconciled your past in your mind and heart, you will continue to carry the guilt around.  You will gravitate towards situations that are unhealthy just like the one from your past because you don’t feel that you deserve better.

·         Repeating the Cycle

If you were abused as a child by those who were supposed to protect you, and you never dealt with your feelings about what happened to you, and you still carry that anger towards your abusers around with you, you will convince yourself that your own child really is that bad and deserves the degree of discipline that you give him which really isn’t so, but it’s all that you understand because you haven’t processed your feelings.  You will convince yourself that you are the only parent that has a child that misbehaves and will treat that child with the same harsh treatment that was given to you because you don’t have a clear understanding of what went on.

·         Guilt

Let’s say a woman had a baby as a teenager and was made to feel guilty about it by others.  Because she accepted and carried the guilt that others put on her, she’s never been able to forgive herself.  Now as her own daughter is getting older, she notices she is heading down the same path as she is, but she can’t bring herself to talk about it with her daughter because it brings up all of her own feelings of guilt, and instead she condemns her daughter the same way others condemned her when she was a teenager.

The Art of Forgiveness Series (Part II)

We will address two areas where non-forgiveness can loom like a dark cloud over your life and keep you stuck in “what happened” instead of freely facing your future.  The first area is forgiving others, and the second area is forgiving yourself.

Forgiving Others

When you haven’t allowed yourself to heal from the things of your past, it means you are still holding on to non-forgiveness.  I think most would agree that forgiveness would be a healthier solution than carrying around a grudge, yet some continue to hold grudges for years against others who have hurt us.  So, what stops you from letting go?  Let’s take a look at some of the things that might keep you from releasing things from your past that do not serve to bring peace in your life:

Fear – The inability to forgive is based in fear.  When someone or something has affected you deeply, you become afraid of opening yourself up and possibly being hurt again, so you continue to hold on to the anger as a means of protecting yourself from more pain.

Blame – Blame makes the situation about the other person.  Forgiveness puts the focus back on you so that you can make sure that you are okay.  In our society, it seems to be a natural reaction to cast blame.  There is always the victim and the villain.  When someone harms you in any way, whether it is physically or emotionally, we are quick to point the finger at the perpetrator and demand they be punished.  When they are, we feel that the matter has been settled.  But what about the victim?  Who makes sure they are okay?

The Need to be Right – Yes, you probably have a right to be upset with the one who hurt you, but you also have a choice.  You can either be right or you can be free.  By letting go, this in no way negates what happened to you, nor does it absolve the person’s actions against you, but again, blame keeps you tied to a situation.

Denial – I know that sometimes it seems easier to just live with dysfunction than to take the steps to correct it.  We develop mechanism to make these areas in our lives more bearable so that they don’t hurt as bad.  And I know it’s scary to tread in unchartered territory.  And it’s not something that will be done overnight.  But, at least once you acknowledge the pain, you can begin to take baby steps to begin to correct it.

Forgiving Yourself

Sometimes even more difficult than forgiving others is being able to forgive yourself.  We’ve all no doubt, done one thing or another that we would just as soon forget about.  Some of you may even wish you had the opportunity to do it all over again.  Surely, you would make different choices.  Some might still shudder at the very memory of the thing you wish to forget.  So how do you begin to forgive yourself?

Release the guilt – Don’t allow guilt/condemnation to define who you are – understand that who you are is not determined by what has happened to you, but how you handle and respond to what has happened.  That’s the true testament of your character.  If you have made strides towards changing whatever behavior has made you feel guilty in the past, understand that’s all you can do.  You cannot redo the past.

Make restitution – Is there something you can do to make restitution?  If so, take steps towards doing it.  If not, you must move on.

Learn the Lessons – Seek what lessons you can learn from the experience – sometimes you go through experiences that in hindsight you wish you had never allowed to take place, but if you can let go of the anger and guilt, you might find that those very experiences will be a gift you can share with and help others.

The Art of Forgiveness Series (Part I)

At some point or another, every one of us has had to forgive someone for something they have done to us.  We practice this skill almost on a daily basis without even realizing it.  When your spouse forgets to save you enough milk for cereal in the morning, you get upset for a moment, but you discuss it and then you move on, right?  When another driver cuts you off in traffic, you yell and then you move on.  When a co-worker is late handing in their portion of a report, which causes you to be late also, you’ll be upset about it for a few days, but eventually you’ll discuss what went wrong so that it does not happen again and then you move on.  So most of us already know how to forgive others in regards to the regular day to day issues that life throws our way.  But what about when our feelings and emotions are at stake?  Somehow, when our emotions become involved, suddenly all of the rules of the game change.  Suddenly, it’s not so easy for us to just talk about it, let it go and move on.  Why is that?  I believe a lot of it has to do with fear, but we will discuss this in a little more detail further on.

 

Have you ever noticed how, for some people, forgiving seems to come easy and for others, it seems to be a struggle?  Have you ever looked at someone that you knew had gone through the unthinkable, yet they didn’t seems to show the scars of that trauma?  Then you look at others, who when the cashier at the local supermarket is rude to them, they are still holding a grudge the next week when they go back to the supermarket and see the same cashier, as if the cashier has a personal vendetta against them.  Are some people just born with a natural ability to forgive or have they just mastered the secret to living a peaceful life, which is learning to let things go.

 

So how do you begin to master the art of forgiving?  One of the first things you need to do, as with learning any new skill, is to recognize the significance of acquiring the skill.  You must understand the value that learning the skill of forgiveness will add to your life.  In order to do that, you must first look at how not forgiving is devaluing the quality of your life.

 

Ask yourself:

What are you gaining by holding onto the pain of your past (ie: you get to manipulate others through their guilt over what happened)?  (Fill in your own answers.)

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

What is it costing you by holding onto the pain of your past (your health, because of stress)?  (Fill in your own answers.)

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

 

It is very important for you to understand how crucial it is to process your feelings, because it is the very thing that will allow you the ability to forgive.  It is a whole lot more complex than simply saying “My mother was mean to me, so I don’t deal with her anymore, and I’m fine with that” or “My father left when I was young and I haven’t seen him in years, but I’m better off without him.”  You must allow the full process to run its course, which requires you to get in touch with some painful feelings that you would just as soon forget, or you will find yourself still dealing with the remnants of your past in your present relationships.  The decisions you make and the responses you have today will be connected to what has happened in your past if you don’t allow true forgiveness to take place.

 

Even after identifying the importance of forgiveness in your life, understand that it is going to be a learning process, so don’t beat yourself up when you don’t master it right away.  Just as when you are acquiring a new skill or trade, it will be a little uncomfortable when you first start to do it.  The same will apply in learning forgiveness because it will be out of the normal realm of thinking.  Most of us react to situations in the manner that society says is normal, yet we wonder why the peace we are seeking continually eludes us.  Yes, it is normal to be angry and upset when someone disappoints you, lies to you, betrays you, or intentionally harms you.  But it becomes detrimental to your well-being when you hold onto that anger long after it is healthy.  You should allow yourself to feel the anger because it is normal.  Anger is not a sin.  It is a normal emotion.  It’s what you do with that anger that becomes a sin.  Then you should process it by:

 

Identifying where the anger is coming from.

 

Decide if it’s worth it to try to salvage the relationship.  If so, communicate where your anger is coming from with the other person.

 

If it is not possible to express your anger with the other person, make a commitment to let it go by journaling all of your feelings down and then promising yourself not to speak of it again, unless it is with a trained professional.