The Art of Forgivness Series (Part III)

Getting to the Root of the Matter

One of the biggest keys in learning to forgive and moving on is to get to the heart of what happened so that you can understand and learn from it.  Now I know you are probably saying, “I will never understand why they did what they did to me”, “I have nothing to learn from the pain they caused me” or “You just don’t know what I’ve done.”

If you are not aware of what ails you, how can you address it?  It’s like going to the doctor’s office and not being able to tell him specifically what is bothering you. “I’m just not feeling well” makes it very difficult for the doctor to know how to treat you or he could treat the wrong ailment, based on the symptoms you tell him.  How often we do that in life.  We address the symptoms instead of the root of the ailment itself.  We will remove ourselves from a situation and feel that all is well.  However, life will continually allow situations to come forward in your life that offer you the opportunity to grow and be made whole.  However, if you are not even aware that there is a need for closure, you will not see them as opportunities to learn and grow, but rather as obstacles to go around and avoid.  And so the cycle will continue.

Listed below are some examples of how un-forgiveness displays itself.

·         Hypersensitivity to Criticism

If someone constantly told you that you were not good enough and would never amount to much, you will convince yourself that your supervisor is out to get you because he offers constructive criticism about your work, but you take everything as a personal attack against you because you’ve still have unfinished business with those who made you feel inadequate in the past.

·         Unrealistic Expectations of Others

Perhaps you never felt loved or understood or appreciated by those in your past.  Now you are surrounded by those who love you and support you, but to you, it is never enough.  You will convince yourself that your husband never has any time for you, your children don’t appreciate you, and your friends just don’t understand you.

·         Explosive Anger

Let’s say you were bullied as a child or were picked on by your peers.  They might not have heard you or considered your feelings.  It left you feeling like no one ever listened to you or cared about how you felt.  Now, as an adult, you’ve become quite the bully yourself.  You are determined no one is ever going to treat you that way again.  You might have outbursts when you don’t feel as if others are hearing you, and you’ve never made the connection to how you were treated in the past.

·         Self-Hatred

When you haven’t reconciled your past in your mind and heart, you will continue to carry the guilt around.  You will gravitate towards situations that are unhealthy just like the one from your past because you don’t feel that you deserve better.

·         Repeating the Cycle

If you were abused as a child by those who were supposed to protect you, and you never dealt with your feelings about what happened to you, and you still carry that anger towards your abusers around with you, you will convince yourself that your own child really is that bad and deserves the degree of discipline that you give him which really isn’t so, but it’s all that you understand because you haven’t processed your feelings.  You will convince yourself that you are the only parent that has a child that misbehaves and will treat that child with the same harsh treatment that was given to you because you don’t have a clear understanding of what went on.

·         Guilt

Let’s say a woman had a baby as a teenager and was made to feel guilty about it by others.  Because she accepted and carried the guilt that others put on her, she’s never been able to forgive herself.  Now as her own daughter is getting older, she notices she is heading down the same path as she is, but she can’t bring herself to talk about it with her daughter because it brings up all of her own feelings of guilt, and instead she condemns her daughter the same way others condemned her when she was a teenager.

The Art of Forgiveness Series (Part II)

We will address two areas where non-forgiveness can loom like a dark cloud over your life and keep you stuck in “what happened” instead of freely facing your future.  The first area is forgiving others, and the second area is forgiving yourself.

Forgiving Others

When you haven’t allowed yourself to heal from the things of your past, it means you are still holding on to non-forgiveness.  I think most would agree that forgiveness would be a healthier solution than carrying around a grudge, yet some continue to hold grudges for years against others who have hurt us.  So, what stops you from letting go?  Let’s take a look at some of the things that might keep you from releasing things from your past that do not serve to bring peace in your life:

Fear – The inability to forgive is based in fear.  When someone or something has affected you deeply, you become afraid of opening yourself up and possibly being hurt again, so you continue to hold on to the anger as a means of protecting yourself from more pain.

Blame – Blame makes the situation about the other person.  Forgiveness puts the focus back on you so that you can make sure that you are okay.  In our society, it seems to be a natural reaction to cast blame.  There is always the victim and the villain.  When someone harms you in any way, whether it is physically or emotionally, we are quick to point the finger at the perpetrator and demand they be punished.  When they are, we feel that the matter has been settled.  But what about the victim?  Who makes sure they are okay?

The Need to be Right – Yes, you probably have a right to be upset with the one who hurt you, but you also have a choice.  You can either be right or you can be free.  By letting go, this in no way negates what happened to you, nor does it absolve the person’s actions against you, but again, blame keeps you tied to a situation.

Denial – I know that sometimes it seems easier to just live with dysfunction than to take the steps to correct it.  We develop mechanism to make these areas in our lives more bearable so that they don’t hurt as bad.  And I know it’s scary to tread in unchartered territory.  And it’s not something that will be done overnight.  But, at least once you acknowledge the pain, you can begin to take baby steps to begin to correct it.

Forgiving Yourself

Sometimes even more difficult than forgiving others is being able to forgive yourself.  We’ve all no doubt, done one thing or another that we would just as soon forget about.  Some of you may even wish you had the opportunity to do it all over again.  Surely, you would make different choices.  Some might still shudder at the very memory of the thing you wish to forget.  So how do you begin to forgive yourself?

Release the guilt – Don’t allow guilt/condemnation to define who you are – understand that who you are is not determined by what has happened to you, but how you handle and respond to what has happened.  That’s the true testament of your character.  If you have made strides towards changing whatever behavior has made you feel guilty in the past, understand that’s all you can do.  You cannot redo the past.

Make restitution – Is there something you can do to make restitution?  If so, take steps towards doing it.  If not, you must move on.

Learn the Lessons – Seek what lessons you can learn from the experience – sometimes you go through experiences that in hindsight you wish you had never allowed to take place, but if you can let go of the anger and guilt, you might find that those very experiences will be a gift you can share with and help others.