At some point or another, every one of us has had to forgive someone for something they have done to us. We practice this skill almost on a daily basis without even realizing it. When your spouse forgets to save you enough milk for cereal in the morning, you get upset for a moment, but you discuss it and then you move on, right? When another driver cuts you off in traffic, you yell and then you move on. When a co-worker is late handing in their portion of a report, which causes you to be late also, you’ll be upset about it for a few days, but eventually you’ll discuss what went wrong so that it does not happen again and then you move on. So most of us already know how to forgive others in regards to the regular day to day issues that life throws our way. But what about when our feelings and emotions are at stake? Somehow, when our emotions become involved, suddenly all of the rules of the game change. Suddenly, it’s not so easy for us to just talk about it, let it go and move on. Why is that? I believe a lot of it has to do with fear, but we will discuss this in a little more detail further on.
Have you ever noticed how, for some people, forgiving seems to come easy and for others, it seems to be a struggle? Have you ever looked at someone that you knew had gone through the unthinkable, yet they didn’t seems to show the scars of that trauma? Then you look at others, who when the cashier at the local supermarket is rude to them, they are still holding a grudge the next week when they go back to the supermarket and see the same cashier, as if the cashier has a personal vendetta against them. Are some people just born with a natural ability to forgive or have they just mastered the secret to living a peaceful life, which is learning to let things go.
So how do you begin to master the art of forgiving? One of the first things you need to do, as with learning any new skill, is to recognize the significance of acquiring the skill. You must understand the value that learning the skill of forgiveness will add to your life. In order to do that, you must first look at how not forgiving is devaluing the quality of your life.
Ask yourself:
What are you gaining by holding onto the pain of your past (ie: you get to manipulate others through their guilt over what happened)? (Fill in your own answers.)
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What is it costing you by holding onto the pain of your past (your health, because of stress)? (Fill in your own answers.)
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It is very important for you to understand how crucial it is to process your feelings, because it is the very thing that will allow you the ability to forgive. It is a whole lot more complex than simply saying “My mother was mean to me, so I don’t deal with her anymore, and I’m fine with that” or “My father left when I was young and I haven’t seen him in years, but I’m better off without him.” You must allow the full process to run its course, which requires you to get in touch with some painful feelings that you would just as soon forget, or you will find yourself still dealing with the remnants of your past in your present relationships. The decisions you make and the responses you have today will be connected to what has happened in your past if you don’t allow true forgiveness to take place.
Even after identifying the importance of forgiveness in your life, understand that it is going to be a learning process, so don’t beat yourself up when you don’t master it right away. Just as when you are acquiring a new skill or trade, it will be a little uncomfortable when you first start to do it. The same will apply in learning forgiveness because it will be out of the normal realm of thinking. Most of us react to situations in the manner that society says is normal, yet we wonder why the peace we are seeking continually eludes us. Yes, it is normal to be angry and upset when someone disappoints you, lies to you, betrays you, or intentionally harms you. But it becomes detrimental to your well-being when you hold onto that anger long after it is healthy. You should allow yourself to feel the anger because it is normal. Anger is not a sin. It is a normal emotion. It’s what you do with that anger that becomes a sin. Then you should process it by:
Identifying where the anger is coming from.
Decide if it’s worth it to try to salvage the relationship. If so, communicate where your anger is coming from with the other person.
If it is not possible to express your anger with the other person, make a commitment to let it go by journaling all of your feelings down and then promising yourself not to speak of it again, unless it is with a trained professional.
